Oh my God! I look forward to the full game! The world you created is so interesting and the artwork kind of reminds me of Mystic Destinies. The demo is so interesting and well-written <3
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Please don't take any of this the wrong way, I'm not at all trying to make you feel bad but this game frustrated me, so much so I had to actually take notes of it all WHILE i went through the demo (So many spoilers probably?):
"You don't belong here... Like anywhere near me, anywhere alive, ever" then 10Seconds later "Pack matters don't involve you..." but suddenly the MC is surprised and feels the need to comment about how "That's harsh even for him?" That's LITERALLY THE LEAST HARSH THING HE HAS SAID TO HER IN THE ENTIRE EXCHANGE UNTIL THAT POINT! AND THEN straight after saying that his mild remark is harsh she says it's weird for him to act civil but then seems to expect it? The whole encounter is a contradiction with them going back and forth and it is confusing and frustratingly so.
"She did something so bold..." What? Just talk to you harshly like she'd been doing the whole time? How is that surprising for someone you don't know who is already yelling at someone trying to kill themselves? It makes no sense.
Trying way too hard to emphasize the MCs attempts to rebel against the typical expectations of women (it's mostly just kinda thrown in your face instead of gently and proudly displayed? If that makes sense) the idea that she is "badass" seems forced upon me and irritatingly so. All bark and no bite with comments of past "badassery" while she's talking about how angry she was when the car was damaged and how she almost killed a werewolf and "WOW this alpha is so intimidating don't get me wrong but look at me stand up to him, he's a little scary but I'ma look him in the eye without so much as a bat of my little eyes"? If she's afraid perhaps that should be better conveyed instead of casually narrated?
Super repetitive "He was using his power over me" "You used your power over me." Mentions him using his power over her LET'S MAKE A HUGE DEAL OVER HIM USING HIS POWER OVER HER... Like... Sweet and simple and not wordy and gaudy is a great way to go.
"I don't need to establish the sufficiency of an answer"... What?
"Sometimes it doesn't need to come to terms with reason" ... WHAT? I get what you're trying to do but that isn't "Wise mumbo jumbo" that's random nonsensical babble that makes me feel like the character legitimately has an IQ within the single digit range. He doesn't seem wise, he doesn't seem mysterious, he doesn't seem cool. He seems like an idiot. On that note the grammar is also fairly cringe-worthy. With things in the beginning like "You are still nothing more than just a man" there is so much grammatically wrong with that sentence I don't even know where to begin. I could probably overlook this if it wasn't like that through the entire demo. And finally the MC is not witty, she seems to me like she was almost held back in elementary school but the school was like "She talks too much we really don't want to have to deal with her another year, just pass her!"
The characters themselves are great I feel but the way they are introduced seems unnatural. The extreme ploys used to give you a sense of their personalities are outlandish, cliche and rather childish. It makes it feel like I am being forced to feel a specific way about a character. The way they are presented leaves little room for interpretation or disagreement. Where I am meant to have mixed feelings I am presented with a contradictory scene complete with flip-floppy dialogue and repetitive points as if I'm not intelligent enough to grasp the situation the first time it is mentioned and where I am meant to dislike the character I'm given a cliche children's book bad-guy fused with anime over-exaggerations and the whole narrated grand-reputation thing. The way it's all told also has a very 4th wall feel to it. All of these people have a history that the MC feels the need to narrate instead of leaving the mystery or alluding to it in a natural way it's put on display during the introduction. Even a character profile for each would be better than having to read through 20minutes of character backstory in the middle of main story, in the middle of character introduction in the middle of shoddy plot device in the middle of... You see where I'm going with this? Too much happening at once. It's almost as unorganized as this post!
I'm sure that some of this sounds really mean and probably poorly worded I'm also not very good with expressing myself on the spot which is why I normally do not post comments. I was playing the demo while writing this and I really am just mentally dead from all of this effort in the first place. I WANT to like this game quite desperately, the visuals are absolutely STUNNING and the concept is wonderful, the story is appealing(though if not carefully and correctly done I fear another Twilight) I LOVE the idea and I want to love the finished product, but I honestly couldn't get through the demo because it honestly was just so unsophisticated I guess is what I'm trying to convey. I don't want to discourage you at all and I'm sure mine will be a rather unpopular opinion and there is so much potential and beauty there, the ideas are solid and wonderful but the story-telling is crude and the vocabulary seems rather plain. D=
I'm sorry! x.x ♥♥
would you be able to link your kickstarter so we can back you?